Cyber Bullying

Cyberbullying is the harmful application of technology by students wishing to extend the reach and impact of their bullying behavior during and beyond school hours. It is the use of information and communication technologies such as e-mail, cell phone and pager text messages, instant messaging, defamatory personal Web sites, defamatory online personal polling Web sites, and digital photography, to support repeated acts by an individual or group, that are intended to embarrass, humiliate or intimidate their victim.

“Cyberbullying is different from face-to-face bullying because the bully is removed from the immediate and tangible feedback of the victim. They don't "see" the harm they have caused or the consequences of their actions, which minimizes any feelings of remorse or empathy. This creates a situation where kids do and say things on the Internet that they would be much less likely to do in person.”

– The MindOH! Foundation

The following are the hard lessons we learned from our son's use of his computer. We feel his computer presented a very unhealthy outlet for his hurt feelings that ended up exacerbating his depression that led to his suicide. We hope this information helps you become more aware of the potential problems and encourages a broader discussion with your child about cyberbullying and the use of the family computer in your home. 

There is one message we hope gets through on this page ... everything you type into a screen gets recorded electronically. You are leaving cyber foot prints all over the place when you get on-line. You may be able to fully erase everything on your computer along with history logs, IMs, Text Messages, etc. … but once you send something to someone else, you can never be absolutely sure it will never be read by some unintended audience at some point in time. If you have something highly personal and confidential to discuss with someone, pick up the phone or meet with them in person.

Ryan Halligan 1989 - 2003

John and Kelly Halligan lost their thirteen year old son, Ryan, to suicide on October 7, 2003. At the time of his death, Ryan was a student at a middle school in Essex Junction, Vermont. After Ryan’s death, it was revealed that he was ridiculed and humiliated by peers at school and on-line.
Ryan father writes: “A few days after his funeral I logged on to his AOL IM account because that was the one place he spent most of his time during the last few months. I logged on to see if there were any clues to his final action. It was in that safe world of being somewhat anonymous that several of his classmates told me of the bullying and cyber bullying that took place during the months that led up to his suicide. The boy that had bullied him since 5th grade and briefly befriended Ryan after the brawl was the main culprit. My son the comedian told his new friend something embarrassing and funny that happened once and the friend (bully) ran with the new information that Ryan had something done to him and therefore Ryan must be gay. The rumor and taunting continued beyond that school day … well into the night and during the summer of 2003.”Ryan’s father, John, devotes his time to touring the United States and Canada, meeting with young people and promoting the need for more education and prevention of bullying, cyberbullying and teen suicide. He has also established a website in his son’s memory.

Beat Bullying - Olivia Story

Olivia was subjected to such vicious verbal and physical attacks at school that she was scared to go to class and ended up skiving lessons up to four days a week.

In the worst incident, when Olivia was 15, she was pushed down concrete steps at school and passed out at the bottom. She was taken to hospital with extensive bruising and a chipped bone in her back, where she stayed for a week on painkillers, unable to sit down or lie on her back.

Olivia said: “I felt so humiliated. I never got an apology and the school only suspended the boy for a week. I didn’t take it further as I didn’t want to make it worse.”

In fact, that attack was simply the culmination of years of suffering Olivia had experienced at the hands of her fellow pupils. In her first week at secondary school she was nicknamed ‘Hagrid’. She was abused every day, verbally and physically, once having her head smashed against the toilet, to the point where she was scared of going to school.

Olivia said: “I’d wake up at 4am, terrified of having to go to school. I’d make myself sick and stay at home instead. I didn’t want to burden my mum with my problems but when I started suffering from panic attacks, she knew something was seriously wrong.”

After consulting the Headteacher, Olivia and her mum felt that the school was not prepared to deal with the problem, so she was taken out of the system and home-schooled for almost two years. However, the bullying continued when one of bullies moved next door to Olivia. As she would leave the house, he’d attack her with a home-made flame thrower.

Olivia was slowly re-integrated back into her school but although Olivia’s tutor would sit in on some of her lessons and Olivia made two good friends, the bullying never ceased. Feeling increasingly alone and angry, she began to skip school and then started to self-harm. She and her friend would often miss four days of school a week, spending their time walking round the shops, or sitting at home. Angry and upset that no one seemed to notice her suffering, Olivia cut herself with a razor.

Olivia said: “It became like an addiction. Everyday, when I was angry, I’d cut myself and I’d feel a little better. A couple of times it went a bit far and I knew it was a mistake, but I felt so alone I didn’t want to stop.”

Olivia finally realised that it was time to tell her mum everything. With her mum’s understanding and help, she began to turn her life around. With her mum’s constant support, Olivia returned to school. No longer alone but with someone to turn to, Olivia stopped self-harming, her self-confidence grew and she lost weight. Olivia felt that she’d taken control of her life and the bullying began to stop.

Olivia said: “The boy who had nicknamed me Hagrid actually came over to me at school and apologized, which felt fantastic. I now feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m so glad I told my mum and I’m so grateful that she helped me overcome the bullying.”

Me As The Bully (1979)

NOTE: As you prepare to read this story an interesting thing has occurred. The other person in this story discovered it and discovered themselves within the story. When I created this site and wrote my stories I never thought they would reach out that far. I thought it was only for me to be able to tell them here for an anonymous audience. It always surprises me how the web and social network we live in now has made it so that we are no longer separated by 6 degrees of separation, but now only 2 or 3. David, the other person in this story discovered it and we talked about it. He understood what I was doing here and we even discussed and wrote his take on this time that you canread here. So a part II for this from him will soon be available. ~Alan Eisenberg (Dec. 1, 2011)

This is a very tough story to write for me. I actually debated on sharing this one with you, because I have spent three years writing about my victimization from bullies. But the world isn’t black and white, no matter how much we want it to be. The world is full of grays and questions that are debated endlessly, with answers that feel like they change with the blowing of the wind. So this story’s theme offers me as the bully in a situation I often ponder. I think about it, because I question whether the bullying abuse I took made me act as a bully in a certain situation or was it a feeling I wanted to share as well.

So with that in mind, I want to share with you my story of when I was 12 and realized that, in certain situations, I could be the bully. While at my public school, I spent most of the day in fear, waiting for the bullies to get me. But twice a week, I went to another school where I didn’t worry about that. Where I was one of the popular kids and well liked. Twice a week, on Sundays and Monday evenings, I went to religious school and there, I was the one that didn’t have to worry.

In looking back, I’m not sure what was different. Most all of the kids at my religious school did not go to my elementary school, so they didn’t know what was happening to me there. In many ways I felt like I had two personalities, the dark boy who hid from others for fear of being bullied, and the outgoing religious school boy who joked and cut-up with his friends. When I was 12, there was so much going on in my life. My best friend had turned on me to become my worst bully. I found a group of kids to hang with, but they were not the best choices. To boot, I was starting to become a teen, with all the emotional baggage change that goes with that.

So, enter my chance to be the popular kid, at least for a few hours at religion school. I recall how we would play indoor Dodgeball for about 1/2 hour prior to class starting. Then it was off to class, where I would spend time with my friends mainly drawing pictures in class. We were the class clowns, constantly being reprimanded for giggling and not paying attention. It was so vastly different from what I was experiencing at regular school. I really enjoyed the feeling that came with being with the more popular kids. These were my friends away from the ones who knew me as the one being bullied at regular school. So, being young and insecure, I found myself wanting to be popular. As someone recently pointed out to me though, they could see through me that I was a wannabe, but not really comfortable playing this role.

Of course, there had to be a kid who was the one picked on here and his name was David. I can’t really say why he was the one. Maybe he was a little bigger than us. Maybe he was the one who always raised his hand to answer the question or he was smarter than us. To be honest, it wasn’t like he was bullied every time we did religion school. For the most part we all got along and we had spent many years growing up together in religious school. But I know that he was the butt of many jokes and looking back, I can see how unfair it was. I can’t really recall how it came about anymore, but one day we chose to put a bunch of tacks on David’s chair. It wasn’t just a few, it was probably about 10. I recall totally believing he would see them long before he chose to sit down.

But for some reason he was distracted talking to someone and didn’t see them. I can still see David sitting his full weight onto the tacks. I remember him sitting there, his face turning red, but he made sure not to cry in front of us. He didn’t want to. This I recall clearly. To this day, I still get chills thinking about how he didn’t jump up, he didn’t react. It was like he was defeated. The teacher noticed him turning red and tears welling up. He stood up and walked out of the room, all the tacks sticking in him.

There were snickers of laughter in the room as he left. At least it didn’t happen to me was all I thought. Then the teacher spoke up. He said he didn’t want to know who did it, but they should go help David.

Me and a few other boys who were involved went out to help him. At this point, I realized what I had done and was not at all thinking it was funny. We went into the bathroom and there was David, tears running down his face.

“Why did you do this?” was all he kept repeating to us while trying not to cry. Me and the other boys said nothing as I recall. I think we all felt the same. We pulled the tacks out as best we could, knowing we were hurting him again. No one spoke. It was not funny, it was not nice. I was the bully this time.

Once all the tacks were out, we went back to the room. David never came back in that day. That was the last time we picked on him like that I recall. I hope in my recollection, it’s the last time I could think that I was the bully. I think about David and how he must have felt. I often think that he had it worse, because he was probably bullied both at school and then at religion school. He got no break. It hurts me now as I write this to think that might have been the case. I have no idea now, 31 years later, what happened to David (actually I do, because after I wrote this I talked to David recently. More on that later). I certainly hope that he has had a good life (actually now I know he has had a good and interesting life. More on that later).

I thought it would be hard to write the stories of when I was bullied, but it’s actually much harder to write this one. This is not in defense of bullies, but when you are picked on relentlessly in school, when you are 12 years old, for a moment it made me feel good to be the popular kid somewhere. To be the one that didn’t have to look behind my shoulder for where the bully was. Maybe, in the end, that’s the scariest part of this story and why it hurts so much to share it.

I don’t feel brave sharing this story. I don’t feel redeemed sharing this story. I just feel guilty. Of course I can’t go back and these incidents help teach me and hopefully others lessons. That’s the biggest reason I wanted to share this with you.